Project H and the Half Blood Prince
by Project H
Summary: A direct parody of the sixth Harry Potter film
1. Chapter 1

**Project H and the Half-Blood Prince**

By Panicattack/ Project H

**Author's Note: This will be released in five parts, with each part coming hopefully about two weeks after the last. Also, this first part sucks, but it gets better from here. **

Part 1

*Train station*

Harry: *Reading a newspaper*

Waitress: *Reads front cover* Who's Harry Potter?

Harry: No one. Bit of a git really

Waitress: Looks like it from that picture. Freckly little glasses-wearing git

Harry: Well he's not all bad...

Waitress: Nerdy wimp-faced dork

Harry: Just get me my damn cappuccino!

Dumbledore: Harry, what on earth are you doing at a train station?

Harry: Passing the time. You never know when you'll find a hidden platform

Dumbledore: You really need a girlfriend

Harry: I could say the same for you. Have you noticed how my school holidays also seem to be a holiday for every troublesome aspect of my life? I haven't done anything anti-Voldemort in months

Dumbledore: Take my arm

Harry: You _really_ need a girlfriend *Grabs Dumbledore's arm, it breaks off*

Dumbledore: Oh, not that one. I'll explain later *Apparates into street*

Harry: *Apparates into rubbish bin* Thanks for that

Dumbledore: Well done, most people vomit the first time

Harry: *Looking down into bin* Yes, I can see that

*Mysterious house*

Harry: Isn't this breaking and entering?

Dumbledore: We haven't broken anything

Harry: You broke my heart by not writing all summer

Dumbledore whispering: Horace?

Harry: I guess that makes you a Horace Whisperer? Get it?

Dumbledore: *Pokes chair*

Chair: *Turns into man*

Harry: Hmm, have you ever seen a muggle show called Transformers?

Dumbledore: Can't say I have. Harry, meet Horace Slughorn. Horace, I can't help but think you were expecting company

Slughorn: Oh, you saw the baby oil in the hallway?

Dumbledore:...no. You were hiding

Slughorn: Oh yes. The Death Eaters have been trying to recruit me for over a year. You can only say 'no' so many times, and I don't want to offend them

Dumbledore: Will you come back to Hogwarts?

Slughorn: No

Dumbledore: Will you come back to Hogwarts?

Slughorn: No

Dumbledore: You can only say 'no' so many times, and I'm becoming offended. May I use the loo? I haven't been in fifteen minutes *Walks out of the room*

Slughorn: I knew your parents, Harry. You look just like your father, though you've got your mother's-

Harry: Eyes

Slughorn: I was going to say child-bearing hips, but yes you have her eyes too. She was one of my students. All those photographs are of my students. Barnabus Cuffe, editor of the Daily Prophet, always takes my letters. Gwenog Jones, captain of the Holyhead Harpies, free Quidditch tickets whenever I want them. Arnold MacArthur, head guard at Azkaban, I get first choice of organs from execution victims

Dumbledore: Well I can see this is a lost cause. Come Harry, we've got other washed-up ex-teachers to visit. Who knows, maybe even Lupin will get a look in

Slughorn: Alright, I'll do it! But I want a pay rise, and a larger office, and all the chocolate fudge I can eat

Dumbledore: No to all of those

Slughorn: Deal

*Harry and Dumbledore leave*

Dumbledore: I have something to ask of you, Harry. Horace has something I need

Harry: Does this have anything to do with his collection of students?

Dumbledore: You're everything Horace looks for; famous, powerful, and with no idea of how to file a restraining order

Harry: You want me to let him collect me?

Dumbledore: That's what I'm asking

Harry: So once again you're placing me in a situation in which I'm uncertain and uncomfortable?

Dumbledore: I love the way our relationship works

*The Burrow*

Ginny: Mum, when did Harry get here?

Mrs Weasley: Well Ginny, 16 years ago Harry's parents came together in a very special way...

Ginny: No no, not that. I meant tonight

Mrs Weasley: Well your father and I have been trying some unusual new techniques...

Ginny: When did Harry Potter arrive here tonight?

Mrs Weasley: When did...what?

Harry: Hello

Ron: Harry?

Hermione: Harry?

Harry: Hermione? Why is it you always get here before me?

Hermione: Ron abducts me at the start of each holiday break. I don't mind; I get a fresh bowl of water and carrot every morning. It beats most summers I've had

Harry: I know what you mean *Takes his carrot and walks upstairs*

*Dark street*

Bellatrix: Cissy!

Narcissa: I can't tell you how much I hate that nickname. Call me Narry while we're at Snape's

Bellatrix: He can't be trusted. You can't trust anyone who lives in shared accommodation

Narcissa: The Dark Lord trusts him

Bellatrix: The Dark Lord trusted that Nigerian Prince that offered him millions

Narcissa: Shut up. That transaction is still going through, have some faith *Knocks on door*

Pettigrew: For the last time, we are not looking for a personal saviour

Bellatrix: It's Bellatrix

Pettigrew: Bellatrix is our saviour? I knew it!

Bellatrix: Oh for God's sake *Pushes way into house*

Pettigrew: *On knees* Oh great Bellatrix, what is it you request of your loyal servant?

Bellatrix: Go and stick your head in a fireplace

Pettigrew: It would be my pleasure *Leaves*

Narcissa: I need your assistance, Severus

Snape: I am aware of your situation, Narry

Bellatrix: The Dark Lord told you?

Snape: He tells me everything. Me and Prince Jajaweena of Ibadan, Nigeria

Narcissa: Draco's in trouble

Snape: I hear it's lovely this time of year. Tell him to take plenty of pictures, and that no doubt I'll be joining him there soon

Narcissa: Will you swear to protect him?

Bellatrix: Unbreakable vow!

Snape: Gesundheit

Bellatrix: Without the unbreakable vow, it's just simple words. Simple, beautiful, baritone words. And when it matters most, he'll just slither back into his hole. His simple, beautiful, baritone hole

Snape: Take out your wand

Bellatrix: Do you, Severus Snape, swear to watch over and protect Draco as he performs the Dark Lord's task?

Snape: I will

Bellatrix: And if Draco should fail, will you yourself carry out this deed?

Snape: I will

Bellatrix: And if we're 60 and both still single, can we just move in together and pretend to be married?

Snape: Make it 70, and you'll just be my live-in girlfriend

Bellatrix: Deal

Pettigrew: *With soot on his face* What do you require of me now, oh saviour?

Bellatrix: Go and stick your head in the fireplace again. Only this time, light the fire first!

*Diagon Alley, outside Weasley Wizard Wheezes*

Hermione: Love potions seem like an odd product for them to sell. They're not even funny

Harry: They will be when I give one vial to Umbridge and the other to Dobby

Ron: I didn't get to buy anything. Let's go back in

Harry: I've got a more fun idea. Let's follow Malfoy down a dark alley

Ron: I thought that wasn't planned until next weekend

*Hogwart's Express*

Harry: So we saw Malfoy looking at a cabinet in Borgin and Burkes. He then went to the toilet without washing his hands, put on his rubber ducky pyjamas and spoke about some sort of giant chocolate monster in his sleep. I'm telling you, he's involved with the Death Eaters

Hermione: And I'm telling you we should have stopped following him after he left Knockturn Alley

Harry: It makes perfect sense. Draco has replaced his father. Hermione saw it with her own eyes. Ron, you were busy staring at Hermione

Hermione: I told you, I don't know what I saw

Ron: Well I loved everything I saw

Harry: I need some air *Leaves compartment*

Hermione: So he moves further away from the window?

*Draco's compartment, which incidentally is what he called his home-made adult film*

Draco: Hogwarts. Who would have thought a school with such a respectable name would be so vile

Blaise: *Sniggers*

Draco: Something funny, Blaise? You realise you're only here to make Slytherin look more diverse

*Train arrives*

Draco: You two go on. I want to check on something

Pansy: OK. But remember, you promised to tell me about that role you've got for me in Draco's Compartment

Draco: We're actually calling it 'Salazar Slithers In' now

Pansy: *Leaves*

Draco: *Locks doors and windows* Didn't mummy ever tell you not to put on an invisibility cloak, hide in a luggage rack but then give away your location by moving a bag within earshot of the person you're spying on?

Harry: Just the once

Draco: _Petrificus totalus_! *Reveals Harry* You should really _nose_ better *Breaks Harry's nose*. Enjoy your ride back to London, and good luck getting a pillow or bag of peanuts *Leaves*

Luna: Hello Harry

Harry: Luna! I haven't been this happy to see mentally questionable social outcast since the first time I met Ron

*School gates*

Flitwick: About time. I've been looking all over for you two

Harry: You don't appear to have looked anywhere beyond the gates themselves

Flitwick: Shut up

Filch: *Inspecting Draco's luggage* A cane?

Draco: It's a walking stick. I injured my knee kicking our house elf

Filch: Muggle video camera with night-vision?

Draco: I like to go bird-watching. At night

Filch: Whips and fluffy hand-cuffs?

Draco: Sometimes the birds get out of control. *Sees Harry* Nice face, Potter

Filch:...what?

Draco: He's got the...I mean look at his...forget it

Luna: Would you like me to fix your nose for you, Harry? Personally, I think you look a bit more devil-may-care this way. Really, rough and rugged. All manly and tough, sweaty and hot, like you're getting ready to grab hold of a girl and really-

Harry: OK! Fix the nose

Luna: *Points wand at Harry* _Oculus explodo_!

Harry: *Face explodes* Damn it! What is it with that spell?

*Great Hall*

Hermione: How can you be eating when Harry's missing?

Ron: I'm eating in his honour. Besides, it's Harry. I'd be more concerned if he wasn't missing

Hermione: That doesn't even make sense

Ron: Don't worry, here he comes. And good news, he's covered in blood

Ginny: Why is it he's always covered in a bodily fluid?

Ron: Why is it you talk like a sex offender around him?

Ginny: Shut up, it's how I flirt

Hermione: Where have you been? What happened to your face?

Harry: What happened to _your _face? Oh, you were born like that. Booyah!

Dumbledore: A very good evening to you all. First off, we welcome Horace Slughorn to his old post as Potions master. He's certainly not stupid enough to be the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. And we welcome Professor Snape to the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. That'll teach him to use my deodorant. Now, onto more important matters. There was once a student much like you who sat in this very hall. He was exceptionally intelligent, he once a caught a fat, bearded student who was hiding a giant spider, and totally scored with that hot piece of Ravenclaw tail Felicity Whittaker. Who, despite her reputation, rarely put out. Just ask Flitwick. That boy's name was Tom Riddle, or Two-inch Tom as Miss Whittaker named him after he never returned her calls. Anyway, my point is that you're all very likely to die this year, so hit on some Ravenclaws while you've got the chance. Have a great year

*Potion's class*

Slughorn:...and so I said to the headmaster, "those students had serious burns when I got here". Oh Harry, welcome

Harry: Sorry professor, but I don't have any books, equipment, or any sort of ability with potions

Slughorn: That's OK, neither does Ron

Harry: Oh yeah, and neither does...oh, you know about that?

Slughorn: Just in regard to the last one. Get two books from the cupboard and join the rest of the class

Harry: Ron, I think you should take the tatty and worn-out one; it's more what you're used to

Ron: Well I guess it's only fair – Look! Parents!

Harry: What? Where?

Ron: *Grabs book* My mistake, it was only Sheamus

Slughorn: I prepared some dangerous concoctions this morning. And ideas what these might be?

Hermione: That one's Amortentia, the most powerful love potion in the world. It's rumoured to smell differently to each person according to what attracts them. I can smell freshly mown grass, new parchment and...stupidity

Ron: *Eating from a jar labelled 'newts'* What'd she say?

Slughorn: Amortentia doesn't create actual love; only alcohol can do that. That last potion is Felix Felicis. Liquid luck. One sip and you will find that all your endeavours succeed. Except, ironically, brewing new Felix Felicis. I am offering one vial to the student today who can brew the best Draught of the Living Death

Harry: He's offering a potion that makes us succeed at everything we do as a prize for brewing the most fatal concoction? I mean, if Avada Kedavra is illegal, why on earth would we be taught how to brew a potion that's lethal?

Slughorn: Well maybe a certain teacher likes to have lethal potions lying around when it comes time to negotiate his salary. Get to work

*Students start working*

Hermione: Harry, how did you get yours to look like that?

Harry: My book says to crush the roots, not cut them

Hermione: No, the instructions say to cut

Harry: My book also says "Shut up, Hermione"

Hermione: It does not

Harry: No, it actually does. Look here *Shows book to Hermione*

Hermione:...oh

Slughorn: Harry, this is perfect. But enough about my new haircut, let's take a look at this potion *Drops in leaf*

Leaf: *Dies*

Slughorn: Merlin's beard! It's so perfect I daresay one drop would kill us all. I'll be getting that dental plan for sure. And as promised, here's your Felix Felicis *Hands Harry vial*. Use it well. May I suggest taking a swig now and heading off to the Ravenclaw tower, wink wink

TO BE CONTINUED...


	2. Chapter 2

**Project H and the Half-Blood Prince**

By Panicattack/ Project H

Part 2

*Dumbledore's Office*

Dumbledore: Welcome Harry, how are your studies going?

Harry: I don't have that much time to study, what with all the times I get called to your office

Dumbledore: Sure. What about your activities outside the classroom?

Harry: You _are _my activities outside the classroom

Dumbledore: I notice you spend a great deal of time with Miss Granger

Harry: I notice you spend a great deal of time with Fawkes. But no, I'm not dating Hermione if you wanted to take a run at her

Dumbledore: Thank you, but no

Harry: Not your type?

Dumbledore: Something like that. Although I should let you know that the password to the Ravenclaw tower is 'Blanket'

Harry: Oh yeah, I've been told about those girls

Dumbledore: Girls? Oh girls, yes of course. Harry, I have something to show you

Harry: A memory of the first time you met Voldemort?

Dumbledore: I've become predictable

*Orphanage*

Orphanage worker lady person: Tom hasn't had many visitors. I think it's either because he doesn't have family, or because he tortures and kills people

Dumbledore: Hello Tom

Tom: Are you a doctor?

Dumbledore: I would be if my father had his way. "No Albus, teachers don't make any money." "With your grades, you should be an Auror." "Don't you think you're spending too much time with Grindelwald?"

Tom: I can make things move without touching them. Watch, I'll make my pants rise. Hand me that magazine

Wardrobe: *Bursts into flames*

Tom: OK, you win

*Dumbledore's office*

Harry: Did you know, sir?

Dumbledore: That I'd met the most dangerous dark wizard of all time?

Harry: No. That I left that memory and started watching one I stole from Hermione late at night. That girl _really_ loves her books

Dumbledore: I need you to collect a memory from Professor Slughorn

Harry: If it's going to be like Hermione's, I'm going to have to demand payment

Dumbledore: I'm sorry I have to ask this favour of you

Harry: Well then I have a favour to ask of _you_

Dumbledore: Go on...

Harry: 20 minutes alone with your pensieve and this memory of Snape attempting stand-up comedy

*Quidditch pitch*

Harry: Alright everyone, Ginny and I are going to run you through some drills

Student: Why is Ginny already on the team?

Harry: OK, you're _off _the team

Student:...

Student 2: Who made you captain?

Harry: Ginny

Student 2: I see...

Cormac: I'll be going for keeper as well, Weasley. No hard feelings?

Ron: No

Cormac: Although someone who _does_ give me "hard" feelings is that Granger friend of yours. Think you can introduce us?

Ron: I don't think that'll be happening

Cormac: I wouldn't mind catching her quaffles, if you know what I'm saying

Ron: I guess...

Cormac: I'd let her beat my bludger, if you follow me

Ron: Uh...

Cormac: I'd like to fly through the three hoops down the end of her pitch, if you get what I mean

Ron: Are you finished?

Harry: Time to mount your brooms

Cormac: I'd gladly let her mount my –

Ron: Shut up!

Cormac: *Keeps*

Ron: *Keeps*

Cormac: *Keeps*

Ron: *Keeps*

Hermione: _Keepus creepus_

Cormac: *Doesn't keep*

Harry: Strange coincidence. Alright then, Ron's our keeper, despite showing no ability and soiling himself whenever the quaffle came near him

Ginny: I like our chances this year

*The Three Broomsticks*

Ron: Honestly Harry, you practically sleep with that book. It's like having another Hermione

Hermione: Oh that was just once, and barely anything happened

Harry: And yet they didn't let you return it to the library

Hermione: *To waiter* Three Butterbeers, thanks. With a little ginger in mine

Ron: Did Hermione just say she wants a little ginger in her?

Harry: In her _butterbeer_

Ron: That's not how I heard it. Oh no, Ginny's here with Dean

Harry: We'd better make them jealous. Quick Ron, let's kiss

Ron:...I can't possibly see how that would accomplish anything

Slughorn: Harry, my boy, how are you?

Harry: Slughorn's here. Quick Ron, let's kiss

Slughorn: Harry, I wondered if I might invite you to a supper party in the near future

Harry: I'd consider it an honour, sir

Slughorn: Lovely *Walks off*

Ron: What was that about?

Harry: That was me trying to improvise when you wouldn't kiss me

*Walking back to Hogwart's*

Ron: Hermione's acting strangely. I guess she can't hold her...butter

Hermione: And then he says "Potter? I hardly know her." Ahahaha!

Katie: *Screams*

Hermione: Heard that one before?

Hagrid: Everyone stand clear, and don't touch that

Harry: The necklace?

Hagrid: My lunch. If I see a single bite taken out of it there'll be trouble. Oh, and for the love of God get Hermione to stop doing that to the fence post

*McGonagall's office*

McGonagall: Why is it when something happens it is always you three?

Harry: It's also often you. And don't even get me started on Sna-

Snape: You asked for me, Professor?

Harry: We all see far too much of each other

Snape: Any idea who gave Miss Bell the necklace?

Hermione: No

Ron: No

Harry: Malfoy!

McGonagall: No

Snape: In that case we'd better...wait, what?

Harry: Malfoy did it

Snape: Do you have any evidence?

Harry: No. But we also didn't have evidence that Quirrell was looking for the stone, Ginny was opening the chamber, or that Moody was actually Barty Crouch Jr.

Everyone:...

Harry...I'll go get Malfoy *Runs off*

Snape: So are we all in agreement that Harry probably gave her the necklace?

Everyone: Agreed

*Dormitory*

Ron: What do you think he sees in her?

Harry: Well she's also the head of a house, and Snape loves a woman in power

Ron: I mean Dean and Ginny

Harry: They're not really his type

Ron: What does Dean see in Ginny? I mean, Dean's great, but I have to hate him on principle

Harry: On the principle of hating people who date your relatives?

Ron: Exactly

Harry: So you hate your dad because he dates your mum?

Ron: That's different. They're my family

Harry: So people in your family are allowed to date each other? _That's_ your rule?

Ron:...sure. So what is it Dean sees in Ginny?

Harry: Well, she's attractive in a really-want-to-date-her-but-can't-because-she's-the-sister-of-my-best-friend kind of way

Ron: Attractive?

Harry: She has nice skin, in an I'd-like-to-run-my-fingers-over-every-inch-of-that-skin-or-in-the-case-I-was-dating-another-girl-peel-the-skin-from-Ginny's-flesh-and-drape-it-over-my-girlfriend-and-insist-she-talk-only-in-a-constant-impression-of-Ginny's-voice-and-threaten-the-rest-of-the-Weasleys-to-accept-her-into-the-family-and-act-as-if-Ginny-never-actually-existed kind of way

Ron: Hermione's got nice skin

Harry: Well now you're just being creepy

*Slughorn's supper party*

Slughorn: So Cormac, see much of your Uncle Tiberius? I hear he often goes hunting with the Minister for Magic

Cormac: He does. But you know, Hermione Granger is over there. I wouldn't mind going hunting for _her_ Minister for Magic, if you follow my lead

Slughorn: Certainly. Ms Granger, what do your parents do?

Hermione: Tell me to keep away from guys like Cormac. Also, they're dentists. They tend to people's teeth

Cormac: I wouldn't mind tending to _your_ teeth, if you catch my drift

Ginny: *Enters the room*

Hermione: Look at her eyes. They've been fighting again, her and Dean

Ginny: *With two black eyes* Sorry I'm late

Slughorn: Not a problem, my dear. We've still got plenty of chocolate mousse and whipped cream

Cormac: I can't wait to put my chocolate mousse in _your_ whipped cream, if you understand where I'm going

Hermione: Can I please be excused, Professor Slughorn?

Cormac: I'm happy to let you slug _my_ horn –

Slughorn: Party's over!

*Everyone except Harry and Slughorn leave*

Slughorn: Potter?

Harry: Sorry Professor, I was just admiring your hourglass

Slughorn: Ah yes, it runs in accordance with the quality of conversation. It actually ran backwards as Cormac told us that story of the time he attended the wet robe contest

Harry: Sir, I couldn't help but notice your shelf o' students

Slughorn: It's for anybody who's anybody. Although ironically, I'm not on it

Harry: Is Voldemort on it?

Slughorn: I'm not sure we should discuss him...

Harry: He killed my parents

Slughorn: That's not criteria for the shelf. A bit too specific. Mr Riddle was a quiet, albeit brilliant student who often tortured and murdered people, not unlike any other Slytherin boy. Not unlike yourself, in fact. I heard about Professor Quirrell

Harry: That was self-defence. And I didn't mean to. I just touched his face and he crumbled to dust

Slughorn: As yes, I've had first dates like that. The thing about Mr Riddle is if a monster existed, it was buried deep within. I call it Riddlos, and I drew a picture of it for my shelf

Harry: Someone's been bored in retirement

*Great Hall*

Ron: *Walks to seat wearing quidditch gear and helmet*

Student 1: Nice hat!

Student 2: You're a loser, Weasley!

Student 3: I like to insult you to cover for my own lack of self-confidence!

Ron: So, how was the dinner party?

Hermione: A bit boring, though I think Harry enjoyed "dessert"

Harry: I think Cormac had to serve himself "dessert" when he got back to his dormitory

Student 1: You suck, Weasley!

Student 2: You're gonna lose it for them!

Student 3: I admire your ability to participate in competitive sport in front of a crowd of your peers!

Ron: I'm quitting after this match

Harry: Suit yourself. Have some juice

Luna: Oh yes, have some "juice"

Ron: Say what now?

Luna: I saw Harry put something in your drink

Harry: Team spirit and love

Luna: I thought they injected those now

Hermione: It's liquid luck. Ron, don't drink it

Ron: Hermione, if I can't drink something that has had a mysterious substance slipped into it, then what hope do I have of being a professional athlete?

Harry: Good advice for us all

*Quidditch*

Ron: *Does well*

Everyone else: *Does not quite so well*

Ron: *Is therefore the hero*

Harry: *Presumably catches the snitch and wins the game, although apparently that's not important anymore*

*Common Room*

Crowd: Weasley! Weasley! Weasley!

Ginny: Wow, I'm not used to this kind of attention

Crowd:...Ron! Ron! Ron!

Ginny: Oh I see

Hermione: You shouldn't have done it

Harry: *Holds up unopened bottle*

Hermione: You didn't? Ron only thought you did

Harry: That's right

Hermione: So your entire plan relied on a girl who wears a giant lion's head noticing a slight movement of your hand and repeating this information to Ron?

Harry...

Hermione: This is why you shouldn't come up with plans without me

Lavender: *Kisses Ron*

Harry: I think Lavender planned _that _without you

Hermione: *Runs out*

*Corridor*

Birds: Tweet tweet!

Harry: Hermione?

Hermione: Just practicing a charms spell. You know that spell that does nothing other than to create several annoying little birds?

Harry: No one does it better than you

Hermione: Harry, how does it feel when you see Dean with Ginny?

Ron and Lavender: *Come in giggling*

Harry: Probably like how you feel right this second

Ron: What's with the birds?

Hermione: *Sends birds at Ron*

Ron: What the hell?

Harry: There's no need to get violent

Hermione: *Sends bear at Ron*

Ron: OH MY GOD!

Harry: Well who says women don't send clear signals

*Library*

Hermione: He's perfectly at liberty to kiss whoever he likes. I really couldn't care less

Harry: Use of a bear generally suggests otherwise. I thought maybe we could go together, as friends. You know, as someone you wouldn't attack with wildlife at the end of an evening

Hermione: Oh, I've already made other arrangements. Besides, it's you we've got to worry about. Romilda Vane has been trying to smuggle you a love potion in your morning pumpkin juice

Harry: Trying to slip something into someone's drink? Where on earth would someone get an idea like that?

Hermione: Well it would be a good idea _not_ to invite someone who's a nutter

Harry: Excellent. I'll invite Luna

Hermione:...

TO BE CONTINUED...


	3. Chapter 3

**Project H and the Half-Blood Prince**

By Panicattack/ Project H

Part 3

*The Slughorn Christmas Party: You must be at least _this_ famous to enter*

Neville: Drink, Harry?

Harry: You're a waiter?

Neville: Since the promotion, yes. Before that I was on my hands and knees and was a table. And before that, I lay on my back with my mouth full of water and was a goldfish bowl

Hermione: Pssst, Harry!

Harry: Why are you hiding?

Hermione: I just escaped from Cormac

Harry: Cormac? I thought we weren't inviting nutters

Hermione: It was him or Neville

Harry: Sure, but Neville wouldn't threaten to "egg your nog"

Hermione: He said he was going to "Come all ye faithful", but I didn't hang around to find out what that meant

Waiter: Dragon tartare?

Harry: No thank you

Waiter: Just as well. They make one incredibly unattractive to wannabe quidditch keepers who speak only in innuendo

Hermione: Gimme! *Takes plate*

Harry: Here he comes

Hermione: *Quickly leaves*

Cormac: Where's your friend gone? *Starts eating dragon tartare* What's this I'm putting in my mouth?

Harry: Dragon balls

Cormac: Heh, well I wouldn't mind Hermione having my...wait, what?

Snape: Hello Cormac. I've approved your application form to study at the prestigious Potions Academy in Munich. Once you finish studying at Hogwarts this will ensure you a brilliant career

Cormac: *Throws up on Snape's shoes*

Snape: *Tears up application* As I was saying, 20 points from Gryffindor. Oh, and Mr Potter, Professor Dumbledore asked me to give you his best, and he hopes you enjoy your holiday

Harry: You came down here just to tell me that?

Snape:...yes

Harry: You, Professor Snape, went out of your way to give me a Christmas greeting?

Snape:...yes

Harry: I can't imagine how you came to agree to that

*20 minutes earlier, Dumbledore's office*

Snape: *Enters* You requested me, Professor?

Dumbledore: Yes Severus, I need you to pass on a message

Snape: Certainly sir, you said it was extremely urgent

Dumbledore: I need you to go to Slughorn's Christmas party and wish Mr Potter a merry Christmas

Snape:...is that all?

Dumbledore: And tell him I hope he enjoys his holiday

Snape:...

Dumbledore: Please pass on this message

Snape: I hurried over because I thought this was important. I was with Voldemort who was about to tell me his secret plan when I got your owl and came to see you

Dumbledore: I understand...

Snape: And before that I was on the verge of concocting a potion to cure all known diseases

Dumbledore: Well I'm sorry about that...

Snape: I was about to jump in front of the Minister for Magic and take a bullet for him

Dumbledore: I do regret inconvenience...

Snape: I was just about to split the atom

Dumbledore: You were certainly busy...

Snape: So give me one good reason why I shouldn't just storm out of here right now!

Dumbledore:...I've got a memory of your second stand-up act that I could show to Harry

Snape: Which way to the party?

*Back at Slughorn's Party*

Slughorn:...and I said "No Professor, I don't think a student of the name ever existed at this school." Thank god he didn't notice the pile of bones in the corner

Malfoy: *Being led by Filch* Take your hands off me, you filthy squib!

Filch: Professor Slughorn, I caught this boy giving cursed necklaces to girls, poisoning mead to send off as a gift, tinkering with a mysterious cabinet and sending off messages to the most evil dark wizard in the world. Naturally, I assumed he was trying to crash your Christmas party

Snape: Well then please allow me to discipline him loudly in the corridor

*Corridor*

Snape: Draco! What the hell are you doing?

Malfoy: My job. Speaking of which, I haven't seen you teach a single class all year

Snape: Draco! I made an unbreakable vow that I would protect you!

Malfoy: I don't need protection

Snape: Draco! Better wizards than you have said that and nine months later had an all new problem to deal with

Malfoy: This is my task! Mine! And if you want the role of Nosey Neighbour in 'Salazar Slithers In' then you'll stop questioning me

Snape: Draco! OK, but keep this secretive information between us!

Harry: *Is suddenly at the other end of the corridor despite still being at the party when Snape and Malfoy left and yet he somehow moved past them unnoticed but went even further down the corridor than required to overhear the conversation. Such is the magical splendour of The Chosen One*

*Hogwarts Express*

Harry:...and he most definitely said "Unbreakable Vow"

Ron: I know, I heard him from the dormitory

Lavender: *Draws 'R+L' in the fog on the window*

Hermione: *Runs up* Good news, Ron! Professor McGonagall approved your application to study at the prestigious Quidditch Academy in Stockholm. After studying at Hogwarts this will give you the best possible chance at a Quidditch career. *Sees writing on the window and tears up application* As I was saying, 20 points from Gryffindor

Ron...I don't think she has that power

*The Burrow*

Lupin: Voldemort has chosen Draco Malfoy for a mission? Has it occurred to you that Snape was simply pretending to offer Draco help so he could find out what he was up to?

Harry: Did it ever occur to me that Snape was doing to Draco what I have suspected he has been doing to Dumbledore and the Order ever since he claimed to have deserted Voldemort and joined our side wherein he began to supposedly pretend to offer Voldemort help in order to find out what he was up to?

Lupin:...yes

Harry: No. Didn't cross my mind

Tonks: Maybe Harry-

Lupin: You don't talk in these meetings! It's a question of trust; Dumbledore trusts Snape, therefore I do

Harry: If Dumbledore trusted a cliff, would you...trust that cliff?

Lupin: Of course. Let's try a trust exercise. Close your eyes and fall backwards

Harry: *Falls backwards and hits floor* Ouch!

Lupin: You see, we can't even trust the floor! That's how serious this is. Have some chocolate *Leaves with Tonks*

Ginny: *Sits down and offers Harry a cake* Open up, you. Don't you trust me?

Harry: Not after that talk with Lupin

Ron: *Sits down and offers Harry a cake* Open up, you

Harry:...we're getting Hermione back if it's the last thing I do

*Stairway*

Ginny: Ron gone to bed?

Harry: Not yet. He's filling in the hole he drilled into the bathroom wall back when Hermione used to stay here. Good memories

Ginny: Shoelace

Harry: Gesundheit

Ginny: *Kneels down* Open up, you

Harry: That's it, I'm spending next Christmas with the Dursleys

Bellatrix: Boo! *Starts fire around The Burrow*

Pettigrew: Oh Bellatrix, you rain down fire like a gift from above

Harry: *Runs after Bellatrix*

Ginny: *Runs after Harry*

Mrs Weasley: Running after boys, she gets that from me

Ginny: *Starts battling Fenrir the werewolf*

Mrs Weasley: That not so much

Bellatrix: Come and get me, Harry!

Pettigrew: Your mockery would put even the most vicious of primary school bullies to shame

Harry: *Battles*

Ginny: *Battles*

Lupin and Tonks: *Join*

Bellatrix and Fenrir: *Hide*

Pettigrew: The Dark Lord himself couldn't find you

Lupin: She's there! Follow Pettigrew's voice

Bellatrix: You stupid rodent!

Pettigrew: Oh yes, my saviour, very much so

Burrow: *'splodes*

Mr Weasley: Molly!

Ginny: Not worried about your kids?

Burrow: *Burns to the ground*

Mr Weasley: Everyone OK?

Fred: Well the family is, but now I understand why you told us it was dangerous to hide girlfriends in our rooms

George: RIP Henrietta and Abitha

*Dumbledore's Office*

Harry: More of the same?

Dumbledore: Yes, there is another important memory in the pensieve

Harry: Can't you just give me the gist of it? I'll take your word for it

Dumbledore: No! *Dunks Harry's head in the pensieve*

*Slughorn's Office*

Slughorn:...so I'm standing there with her dismembered head in one hand and the sword of Tiberius in the other, and Professor Merrythought is heard to remark "Slughorn sure knows how to get _ahead_"

Students: *Laugh*

Slughorn: Well it's getting late. It might be a good idea for you all to _head _off

Students: *Laugh*

Slughorn: Oh yes, horrific accidents can be very funny

*All students except for Riddle leave*

Riddle: Sir, I was wondering what you could tell me about Horcruxes

Slughorn: Her crutches? Well she had a broken leg, and while she'll tell you I violently threw her down a flight of stairs, several witnesses clearly saw me trying to swat away a bee that landed precisely in the centre of her back, and then several seconds later, in the centre of her back again. Either way, she didn't need the crutches after the sword accident

Riddle: No Professor, I was asking about...*indistinguishable*

Slughorn: I have no idea what you're talking about, and even if I did the very idea that I would mention that splitting your soul in several pieces could make you immortal and to find out more information you should visit a lovely little bookshop in Knockturn Alley and tell them Slughorn sent you in order to receive discounts on all full-priced dark magic books about ways in which murdering people can help you in your quest to take over the world is absurd! Get out of here at once!

*End of memory*

Harry: That was 50 years ago?

Dumbledore: Yes

Harry: Geez, Slughorn has sure aged well. But what happened at the end there?

Dumbledore: This memory has been tampered with by the same person whose memory it is. Our old friend, Professor Slughorn

Harry: Memories can be tampered with? Without alcohol?

Dumbledore: Yes, just as people sometimes choose to remember things differently to how they actually happen

Harry: Like how I choose to remember my first kiss being with Cho, rather than Dobby

Dumbledore: And how I choose to remember a time before Voldemort filled the world with fear, rather than that my first kiss was with Dobby. Harry, it is up to you to persuade him to divulge his true memory

Harry: And just how am I supposed to do that?

Dumbledore: I dunno, it's _your_ plan

Harry: No it's-

Dumbledore: Time to leave! *Pushes Harry out door*

*Potion's class*

Slughorn:...so I'd highly recommend you reacquaint yourselves with the chapter on antidotes, lest we have another Hannah Abbott incident. Right, off you go

Harry: *Walks in*

Slughorn: Ah, Mr Antidote himself

Harry: Would that make Ron Mr Poison? Actually, I'm here to ask you something else. Are there some types of magic you can't teach us?

Slughorn: Yes, I like to refer to them as Hannah Abbotts

Harry: I mean...dark magic

Slughorn: Yes, I like to refer to them as Hannah Abbotts

Harry: Is this how you acted when Tom Riddle asked you questions?

Slughorn: Dumbledore put you up to this, didn't he? Why does he constantly make you do things that are foolish and dangerous?

Harry: We like to call them Hannah Abbotts

*Dormitory*

Ron: I'm in love!

Harry: *Sees chocolate box on floor* With Romilda Vane?

Ron: No, with chocolate

Harry: Stupid girl screwed up the potion again

Ron: Tell me, are Hershey's Kisses what I think they are?

Harry: Sounds like a job for Dr Love himself, Professor Slughorn

*Slughorn's Office*

Harry: Sorry to bother you, sir, but my best friend is madly in love

Slughorn: Is it Cormac? I kind of hoped maybe he was-

Harry: No no, it's Ron. Very powerful love potion

Slughorn: Well I'm flattered you'd bring me such a gift, Harry, but he's not really my type. You'd better come in so I can give him an antidote

Harry and Ron: *Enter*

Slughorn: *Hands Ron antidote*

Ron: What's this?

Harry: We put a Twix in a blender. Just drink it

Ron: *Drinks, and recovers*

Slughorn: Looks like you could use a pick-me-up. Have some mead

Harry: You've got a tired and emotional student in your office late at night who just recovered from being intensely infatuated, and you're going to give him alcohol?

Slughorn: No, poison

Harry: Oh, well in that case...

Ron: *Drinks, then collapses*

Slughorn: Oh no, what do we do? Give him mouth-to-mouth

Harry: Yeah you'd like that, wouldn't you. No, he needs a bezoar

Slughorn: A what?

Harry: It's what you give someone you've accidently poisoned. I know because I used to be Neville's potions partner *Gives Ron the bezoar*

Ron: Ugh! I feel terrible

Harry: A good night's sleep should help you get over the poison

Slughorn: And sunglasses and avoiding loud noises should help you get over the mead

Harry: All in all, I'd call this one of our better evenings

TO BE CONTINUED...


	4. Chapter 4

**Project H and the Half-Blood Prince**

By Panicattack/ Project H

Part 4

*Hospital wing*

Dumbledore: I can't believe giving a student alcohol could end this badly. That's it; I'm cancelling the second-years keg party

Slughorn: I must admit, Headmaster. That mead was intended as a gift for you

Dumbledore: How thoughtful. Makes the bouquet of flowers containing a swarm of wasps look second rate

Snape: That was actually from me. Happy 155th

Lavender: *Runs in* Where's my Won-won?

Dumbledore: It's always in the last place you look

Lavender: *Sees Hermione* What's _she_ doing here?

Hermione: I could ask you the same thing

Lavender: *Points to self* Girlfriend

Hermione: Friend

Ginny: Sister

Harry: Heterosexual life-partner

Snape: Teacher

Slughorn: Poisoner

Dumbledore: Dumbledore

Draco: Stealing hospital supplies while everyone's distracted

Ron: Er-my-nee

Lavender: What?

Ron: Her-my-nee

Lavender: *Angrily storms out*

Dumbledore: Oh to be young again. And also a girl. I would have been the prettiest girl *Starts stroking own hair*

Ron: Her-my-nee

Hermione: Yes Ron, I'm here

Ron: Her-my-nee! Hurts my knee! Get off the bed, you're hurting my leg. Honestly, girl, don't you understand English? Say, where's Lavender?

Dumbledore:...and then I'd put on a beautiful dress and be the bell of the ball

*Room of Requirement*

Draco: *Puts bird in cabinet then closes door*

Cabinet: DING!

Draco: *Opens cabinet door, and finds a roast chicken*...I don't think that's right

*Great Hall*

Ron: So, how did me and Lavender break up?

Hermione: You really don't remember anything?

Ron: Well there is one thing, but...no, it couldn't be. I was completely boggled

Hermione: That's right

Ron: There's no way you came in dressed as a sexy nurse asking if I needed you to relieve an area of high blood pressure

Hermione:...no, no there isn't

Lavender: *Across the room, is burning an effigy of Ron*

Hermione: Katie!

Harry: No, Harry

Hermione: Katie's back

Harry: I'm on it. Katie-

Katie: I know what you're going to ask, and I don't know who gave me the necklace

Harry: Why does everyone always think I'm going to ask them that? Although in this case, you're correct. You really have no idea?

Katie: No. On an unrelated note, there's Malfoy

*Bathroom*

Harry: I know what you did, Malfoy

Draco: *Spell*

Harry: *Spell*

Draco: *Spell*

Harry: *Better spell*

Draco: *Bleeds*

Snape: I hope you guys don't mind, but the line for the staff toilets was so long and I-

Harry: *Standing over a bloodied Draco*

Snape: I didn't see nothing *Backs out slowly*

*Room of Requirement*

Ginny: You've got to get rid of that book. Somewhere you'll never find it. That's why this room has become a cluttered mess

Harry: In other words, it's become Dudley's bedroom

Dudley: *In bed* What the hell are you doing here?

Harry: Shouldn't we have burned the book, or torn it into tiny pieces? You know, so no-one could ever use it again?

Ginny: No! Now close your eyes so I can hide it

Harry: I'm glad we've placed it in your care. You have an excellent track record with mysterious books

Ginny: Close your eyes

Harry: *Closes eyes*

Ginny: *Walks out of room, then turns around and faces it* I need a room full of dragons

Harry: Ginny I- OH MY GOD A DRAGON! *Runs*

Dudley: This is why I don't let you in my room!

*A Hall Somewhere (which is what Jane Austen would have called this book series)*

Ron: Did you and Ginny do it?

Harry: Three times

Ron: What? You hid the book three times?

Harry: Had to. The dragons kept bringing it back when I threw it away. Playful little things

Slughorn: *Walks up, then notices Harry* I, eh, oh what's that I hear? Someone tried to neuter McGonagall when she turned into a cat *Walks off*

Ron: Still no luck with Slughorn then, I take it

Harry: Luck!

Ron: No, the word you're thinking of starts with an 'F'

*Common Room*

Harry: *Drinks Felix Felicis (it's that luck potion from earlier, not an actual guy. Although there is a scene involving that sort of thing in 'Salazar Slithers In')*

Hermione: Did you really need to drink it all? I mean, maybe if you'd only drunk a little of it, then me and Ron could have used some in case trouble broke out. Why would you need 24 hours of luck?

Harry: If I get done with Slughorn quickly, there's a poker game going on in the Hufflepuff common room

Hermione: Remember, Slughorn usually eats early, takes a walk, pulls a hamstring, swears loudly, and then returns to his office

Harry: Right, Hagrid's it is *Leaves*

Hermione: What? No, you've got to-

Ron: Forget it. Guys only ever hear what they want to hear. So, wanna make out?

Hermione: Certainly not

Ron: Excellent. Put on something comfortable and meet me in my dormitory in 10

*Greenhouse*

Slughorn: *Cutting leaves*

Harry: Hello!

Slughorn: I'm a pawn! It was Snape's idea! I was just trying to...oh, it's you Harry

Harry: Stealing from other teachers, sir?

Slughorn: No no, I have permission to take these leaves

Harry: I was actually referring to the handbag you seem to have made out of Dumbledore's phoenix Fawkes, but I'll take your word for it. I'm going to Hagrid's

Slughorn: But you can't wander the grounds on your own this time of night

Harry: Hagrid has lots of rare and valuable creatures

Slughorn: Lead the way

*Hagrid's*

Hagrid: *Standing by the dead acromantula, Aragog*

Slughorn: What a horrible creature. You say it's name is Hagrid?

Harry: Hagrid! How's that crazy beard going?

Hagrid: Aragog passed away. My oldest friend, he was

Slughorn: How did he die?

Hagrid: Fell into a bath and couldn't crawl out

Slughorn: Hagrid, I don't wish to be indelicate, but acromantula venom is uncommonly rare. Would it be alright if I extracted a vial or two?

Hagrid: I suppose so

Slughorn: And not to be more indelicate, but half-giant tears are extremely valuable...

Hagrid: Well alright then, but maybe a nice eulogy will bring them on

Harry: I don't mind if I do. Aragog, you will always be remembered for getting Hagrid expelled and trying to eat me. Rest in peace

Slughorn: I think we can do better. Farewell Aragog, king of the arachnids

Harry: Today we find you inexplicably smaller than you were four years ago. No doubt your hairy legs and fondness for human flesh reminds Hagrid very much of his own mother

Slughorn: Your body will decay, but your spirit lingers on

Harry: You weren't as attractive as Cedric, so you don't get as good a funeral

Slughorn: And your human friends find solace in the loss they have sustained

Harry: Your human _friend_ finds solace

Slughorn: We lay to rest, Aragog

Harry: Nice. Who wants to get drunk?

*Inside Hagrid's*

Hagrid and Slughorn singing:_...and his wand snapped in two, which was sad_

Hagrid: Harry, so nice of you to write such a lovely song about Ron

Slughorn: I must say, you're coping with Aragog's death remarkably well

Hagrid: I've known him since he was a tiny little thing. Living in cobwebs, eating bugs. But you've grown up now, haven't you Harry? *Falls asleep*

Slughorn: I once had a fish named Francis. There was a flower floating in a bowl of water on my desk one day. The flower sunk and turned into a fish. The flower was a lily

Harry: Oh Slughorn, you crazy drunk...

Slughorn: The day the bowl was empty was the day your mother...

Harry: Was hungry for fish?

Slughorn: I know why you're here, but I can't help you. You'd lose all respect for me

Harry: Lose respect for the man who collects students and just took advantage of Hagrid's best friend dying? Never

Slughorn: I'm sorry, but I can't

Harry: *To self* And to think, tonight I was supposed to get everything my way. So much for luck

Slughorn: *Sneezes, and a strand of memory flies out of his forehead and lands in a vial on the table* Oh dear...

Harry: *Picks up vial* Disappointing to think that my luckiest night ends with a vial of silvery Slughorn fluid

Slughorn: Please, don't think badly of me when you see it

Harry: Think badly of the man who collects students and just-

Slughorn: I get the picture. Now, off to Mr Dumbledore with you *Falls asleep*

*Dumbledore's Office*

Harry: I got it!

Dumbledore: Well, there's ointment over there. I told you to stay away from Ravenclaw tower

Harry: Slughorn's memory

Dumbledore: Better news. Let's take a look

*Slughorn's Office*

Riddle: Sir, I was wondering what you could tell me about Horcruxes

Slughorn:...haven't we already had this conversation? I could have sworn I yelled at you and then the room filled with fog

Riddle: That's not ringing a bell, sir

Slughorn: Very well. A Horcrux is an object in which a person has concealed part of their soul

Riddle: But how does that work, sir?

Slughorn: One splits his soul and hides part of it in an object. It protects you from death and you legally own the object. Many people use Horcruxes to get boats and mansions. Heck, it's how I got my first wife

Riddle: And how does one split his soul?

Slughorn: One part of your soul takes another on a date. It goes well for a few weeks, but then one part of the soul doesn't get along with the other's family, they argue over money, and before long they're forced to split up

Riddle:...what?

Slughorn: You murder someone. Actually, any crime will do. You might want to start with robbery or swearing at the police

Riddle: OK then, so I should split my soul in seven pieces

Slughorn: Yes you should split your soul in- WHAT?

Riddle: Hypothetically

Slughorn: I see

Riddle: Hypothetically I should murder seven people at places significant to my life, then hide my soul in equally significant items

Slughorn:...

Riddle: Hypothetically

Slughorn: Oh absolutely. And you should protect the Horcruxes with charms and hexes

Riddle: Like a pendant in a basin, protected by aquatic zombies?

Slughorn: I'd also add an underwater boat

Riddle: Genius. That's why you're the teacher

Slughorn: Hypothetically

Riddle: No, you _are_ the teacher

Slughorn: Merlin's beard! I should start attending classes

*End of memory*

Harry: Gee, that went on forever. Sir?

Dumbledore: *Over the other side of the room, brushing his hair* What? Oh, yes, the memory. Don't worry, I've seen it before

Harry: But you just made me get it from-

Dumbledore: What it tells us is Voldemort created seven Horcruxes in order to protect himself from death. *Places ring and Riddle's diary on table* I have found these two already

Harry: *Holds up diary* Well it's good to know Voldemort chose to protect himself with something as strong as...paper

Dumbledore: Care to join me in finding another?

Harry: I'm not sure I can afford to miss any more classes

Dumbledore: Oh, don't worry. I had "Assisting in the downfall of Lord Voldemort" officially added as an extra-curricular activity, so you'll get extra credit for it

Hermione: Ooh, I wanna do it too!

Dumbledore: No girls allowed

TO BE CONTINUED...


	5. Chapter 5

**Project H and the Half-Blood Prince**

By Panicattack/ Project H

Part 5

*Draco's favourite tower*

Dumbledore: -and I don't want you using my strawberry mouthwash

Snape: Not an issue. I can't help but think this isn't the only reason you called me up here

Dumbledore: Things may go wrong, and I'll need you to come through for me. And keep an eye on things around here while I'm away with Harry

Snape: You always go away with Harry. How come we don't go places anymore?

Dumbledore: We'll go somewhere when I get back

Snape: You always say that and we never do

Dumbledore: OK. I promise that when I get back, you and I will go fishing

Snape: *Muttering as he walks away* We won't go fishing, he'll say he's too busy or something...

Harry: What was that about?

Dumbledore: Just sending Professor Snape to run an errand for me

Harry: Why did he smell like strawberry?

Dumbledore:...two-timing traitor! Nevermind that. You need a shave, my friend

Harry: You have a four-foot long beard

Dumbledore: Point taken. You've grown so much since your first year

Harry: You haven't changed a bit. Well, except between my second and third year. You practically became a new man

Dumbledore: We're going somewhere tonight, and it could be dangerous. You must promise to do exactly as I tell you no matter what. Should I tell you to hide, you hide. Should I tell you to run, you run. Should I tell you to abandon me and save yourself, you must do so

Harry: What if you go insane and ask me to kill you?

Dumbledore: Absurd scenario. We won't even consider it

*Cave*

Harry and Dumbledore: *Apparate onto a rock in the middle of rough waters, about a kilometre from the cave*

Harry: Wanna have another go at that apparition?

Dumbledore: Shut up

*In the cave itself*

Dumbledore: The entrance requires payment. Got change for a 20?

Harry: Not on me

Dumbledore: Blood will have to do then *Cuts hand*

Harry: I must try that at a supermarket when I'm short on cash

*Lake*

Dumbledore: We need to get across

Harry: Drink the lake, then walk?

Dumbledore: I would, but something about Slughorn's memory makes me think there might be an underwater boat *Finds boat*

Harry: That was easy

Dumbledore: It took 8 months of investigation and magical experimentation for me to work out how he would conceal such a thing

Harry: Less talking, more boating

*The Basin*

Dumbledore: Oh yes, there is definitely a Horcrux concealed in here. This water must be drunk

Harry: Told you

Dumbledore: You must make sure I drink all of it, no matter what I say. If I beg you to stop, or politely request a toilet break, you are not to indulge these requests

Harry: Will do

Dumbledore: *Drinks water* Kill me!

Harry: As you wish *Raises wand*. No, wait, keep drinking

Dumbledore: *Keeps drinking* Kill me!

Harry: You're really confusing the "follow every order" thing

Dumbledore: *Finishes drinking* Water!

Harry: Well that's what caused all the trouble in the first place. I'll look for some juice

Inferi: Grrr!

Harry: No! Get your own pendant! *Takes pendant and kicks some inferi arse, until being dragged underwater*

Dumbledore: Flame on! *Ring of fire*

*Draco's favourite tower

Dumbledore: Water...

Harry: Well I wanted to stop at a coffee house on the way, but apparently you know best

Dumbledore: Get Severus. Speak to no one else

Door: *Slams*

Dumbledore: Harry, hide below. Say nothing

Harry: *Hides*

Draco: Professor!

Dumbledore: Good evening

Draco: Who else is here? I heard you talking

Dumbledore: I often talk aloud to myself

Draco: You call yourself Harry?

Dumbledore:...sometimes. You're no assassin, Draco

Draco: How do you know what I am? I've done things that would shock you. Yesterday, I parted my hair on the opposite side

Dumbledore: And Katie Bell's cursed necklace, and Slughorn's poison mead?

Draco: Oh yeah, also me

Dumbledore: I cannot help feeling your heart wasn't really in it

Draco: In the mead? No, poison was in it

Dumbledore: I'll make this easy for you. I won't fight back

Draco: _Expelliarmus!_

Dumbledore: *Drops wand* Now then; that's not the spell that will get it done

Draco: _Wingardium leviosa!_

Dumbledore: *Lifts up* No, not that one

Draco: _Oculus explodo!_

Dumbledore: OH GOD MY FACE!

Door: *Slams. Frankly, people should have more respect for old frames and hinges*

Dumbledore: You're not alone. But how?

Draco: Vanishing cabinet in the room of requirement

Dumbledore: But if you required a passage into the castle, shouldn't the room have just created one. Unless your heart wasn't really in it...

Draco: In the room? No, the cabinet was in it

Bellatrix: And Bellatrix was in it. Also, these guys *Points to Death Eaters*

Dumbledore: I think introductions are in order

Bellatrix: Bella, like to kill people

Fenrir: Fenrir, ditto

Death eaters: Same here

Pettigrew: Peter, happy to be here to serve the almighty Bellatrix

Dumbledore: Albus, probably gonna die soon

Draco: Draco Malfoy...about to kill Dumbledore

Bellatrix: Good boy *Kisses Draco's neck*

Dumbledore: Keeping those bloodlines pure, 'ey Bellatrix?

Bellatrix: No more stalling! Kill him, Draco!

Fenrir: I'll do it. Let me eat his face

Bellatrix: No. The Dark Lord was clear

Snape: *Walks past Harry*

Harry: Oh thank God!

Snape: Avada Kedavra!

Harry: Oh dear God!

Dumbledore: *Plummets to his death*

Fenrir: I thought the Dark Lord was clear

Death eaters: *Run through the castle*

Bellatrix: *Trashes the Great Hall*

Snape: Now this is why we can't have nice things

*The Grounds*

Harry: Snape! He trusted you! Bellatrix! You less so

Snape: Go on, Draco

Harry: Fight, you coward! _Incarcerous_

Snape: Nah *Blocks Harry's spell*

Harry: Fight back!

Snape: Nah

Harry: Come on!

Snape: Nah

Harry: Please

Snape: Nah

Hagrid's Hut: *'splodes*

Bellatrix: *Knocks Harry down*

Snape: No! He belongs to the Dark Lord. And he specifically said not to bruise him

Bellatrix and Death Eaters: *Flee*

Harry: _Sectumsempra_

Snape: *Blocks it* You dare use my own spells against me, Potter? OK, I'll use one of yours; _Stupid-Glasses-Ugly-Freakus_!

Harry: Your spell?

Snape: Yes. I'm the Half-Blood Prince

Harry: Care to elaborate?

Snape: Nah *Leaves*

*Foot of Hogwarts Castle*

Dumbledore: *Dead*

Everyone: *Staring at his corpse. That's what they do at Hogwarts*

Harry: *Mourns*

Ginny: *Comforts. Because apparently Ron and Hermione don't do that anymore*

Everyone: *Raise their wands*

Someone who knows how to handle the situation: *Not present. Well, he is, but he's dead*

*Dumbledore's Funeral. No, wait, back at Draco's favourite tower*

Hermione: Do you think Draco would have done it?

Harry: No, he was lowering his wand. It was Snape, and I did nothing

Hermione: That's OK, was all did nothing. Even after he died, we all just stood there

Ron: I think-

Harry: Shut up. The pendant was a fake. Take a look *Gives pendant, then looks away in shame*

Hermione: *Opens pendant, paper flies away*

Harry: You see?

Hermione: Um, yeah, absolutely. Wow, shocking. Just look at all the fake-ness

Harry: That note. I've read it so many times

Hermione: Do you happen to remember it by heart?

Harry: It just so happens that I do. It read:

_To the Dark Lord_

_I will be dead long before you read this, but want you to know it was I who discovered your secret. Not about the toupee, we've all known that for years, but that I have stolen the Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can. I face death in the hope that when your meet your match, you will be mortal once more._

_R.A.B._

_PS. If MacNair is still around, tell him I didn't mean those things about his sister. She's a lovely girl. _

Hermione: R.A.B.?

Harry: No idea

Ron: Maybe it's-

Harry: Shut up. Whoever they are, they have the real Horcrux. Which means it was all a waste

Hermione: Ron's OK with it, you know. You and Ginny

Harry: Sorry, what was that? I was busy concentrating on the impending destruction of civilisation, rather than thinking about the cute ginger I snogged. I'm not coming back here, Hermione. I've got to finish whatever Dumbledore started. And I don't know where that will lead me, or where to begin, or where I'm going. Honestly, Dumbledore gave me absolutely nothing to go on

Hermione: We'll come

Harry: Cheers

Ron: And I-

Harry: Shut up

Cormac: I sure wouldn't mind _coming_ with Hermione, if you know what I mean

Harry: He stays here

*Dumbledore's funeral. No, wait, **THE END***

**Author's note: Thanks to all who read, reviewed, favourited or set alerts for this story. The feedback is much appreciated, and hopefully you all got some enjoyment out of this latest addition (although it was probably a bit too long). New Moon is next on the agenda, followed by either Eclipse or Deathly Hallows, both of which will definitely be done at some point. Also, HOW AWESOME DOES DEATHLY HALLOWS LOOK? Can't wait. Only problem: Won't have any Cormac. I don't know how I'll live without him.**

**See you all for Project H: New Moon!**


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